Like a dog worrying a bone. It has eaten away at me, bit by bit, for so long. It almost made me kill myself. I have felt so filthy, so unworthy of happiness, a whore, a bitch, I could see nothing else. Only the nightmares and the flashbacks, the panic attacks, being so completely and utterly alone. Knowing from the beginning that it was not right, but I trusted, I believed, I followed suit. I was so, so confused. After 'waking up,' I realize looking back just how childlike of a mentality I possessed. I am still sorely behind in life, and rushing to catch up. But then, I did not understand what happened, for a long, long time. It was so much jumbled confusion. As I said, I knew it would be frowned upon, but I was assured that it was being done out of love and that he was helping me with this monstrous thing that had been stuck on me. Now I wonder how much of that thing truly existed, or it was simply a reflection of myself back then. It could have been my own personal demon that I had given birth to. But I looked up to this man, loved him like a father. I could not fathom it be anything else. Back then, I could not ever conceive of the notion that those I loved could still use and take advantage just like anyone else. I took the blame, because everything was my fault back then. I was an evil, dastardly creature, who would expect anything different? Who would believe me anyway? I did not want to be responsible for tearing a family I deeply cared for asunder. I accepted the role that was given to me, and believed that I had moved on. But I know now, if I hadn't confronted what happened, I would never move on. I can act like I have all I wish, but it's a lie. I have told no one, and I plan on keeping it that way. This release is for my peace, and that alone.
I have reflected deeply upon those memories, those which I pushed and pushed and pushed to forget, to pretend never existed. I still have trouble figuring out precisely what happened (I think my brain actually succeeded in blacking some of it out), but I know this. I was a young adult, but probably a tween in mind. I blindly followed someone I never could have thought would do what he tried to do, but I know now that it obviously wasn't to help me. I am not saying that I was blameless in this, by any means, but I was violated. And then despised and shunned for it. At the time, I had no idea what the fuck was going on, I just kept after the love and acceptance that I had known before, though I think that that died before this occurred. I am not going to feel like a horrific human being for this any longer. I am not going to hide from what happened. No one would ever believe me, probably, but I don't give a damn about that. I am not going to keep holding back. Though everyone has tried to tell me differently, and I began believing it myself, I know that I am a wonderful person with so much potential, and the only person holding me back is that ugly, twisted black thing that I created in my own image. I set fire to it. I destroy it, incinerate it from my being.